photo of Mitch HedbergPhoto Credit: WikiMedia Commons

Funny Quotes by Comedian Mitch Hedberg

Welcome to our collection of quotes (with shareable picture quotes) by Mitch Hedberg. We hope you enjoy them and please share widely.

Wikipedia Summary for Mitch Hedberg

Mitchell Lee Hedberg (February 24, 1968 – March 29, 2005) was an American stand-up comedian known for his surreal humor and deadpan delivery. His comedy typically featured short, sometimes one-line jokes mixed with absurd elements and non sequiturs.

Hedberg's comedy and onstage persona gained him a cult following, with audience members sometimes shouting out the punchlines to his jokes before he could finish them. Hedberg died of a drug overdose in 2005; a heart defect may have contributed to his death.

I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.


Quote: I remixed a remix, it was back to normal. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of green leaf in close up photography
Photo Credit: Waldemar Brandt

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.


Quote: I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of shallow focus photography of white flowers
Photo Credit: Anthony DELANOIX

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.


Quote: My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of eyeglasses in bokeh photography
Photo Credit: James Sutton

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.


Quote: I tried to have a cookie, and this girl said, I'm mailing these cookies to a friend. So I couldn't have one. You shouldn't make cookies untouchable. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I tried to have a cookie, and this girl said, I'm mailing these cookies to a friend. So I couldn't have one. You shouldn't make cookies untouchable.


Quote: If you boat a lot, you're known as a boating enthusiast. I like to boat, but I just don't want to ever be referred to as a boating enthusiast. I hope they call me a guy who likes to boat. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

If you boat a lot, you're known as a boating enthusiast. I like to boat, but I just don't want to ever be referred to as a boating enthusiast. I hope they call me a guy who likes to boat.


Quote: On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means where the hell did you get that banana at. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means where the hell did you get that banana at.


Quote: I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say 'Mitch,' and I say 'what?' and turn my head slightly. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say 'Mitch,' and I say 'what?' and turn my head slightly.


Quote: So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that's funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn't funny. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that's funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn't funny.


Quote: I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.


Quote: If you are flammable and have legs, you are not blocking a fire exit. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

If you are flammable and have legs, you are not blocking a fire exit.


Quote: I type a 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I type a 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language.


Quote: I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal, and then I don't do anything for an hour. Why do I need the instant oatmeal? I could get the regular oatmeal and feel productive. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal, and then I don't do anything for an hour. Why do I need the instant oatmeal? I could get the regular oatmeal and feel productive.


Quote: I was booked into the Riviera Hotel in Las Vegas with three other comedians. We all were using the Riviera in-house shampoo, so we all had equal shine and bounce. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I was booked into the Riviera Hotel in Las Vegas with three other comedians. We all were using the Riviera in-house shampoo, so we all had equal shine and bounce.


Quote: I think we should only get 3 honks a month on the car horn. Then, someone cuts you off, you press the horn, and nothing happens. You're like, Crap! I wish I hadn't seen Ricky on the sidewalk! by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I think we should only get 3 honks a month on the car horn. Then, someone cuts you off, you press the horn, and nothing happens. You're like, Crap! I wish I hadn't seen Ricky on the sidewalk!


Quote: I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, I'll just get a tan instead. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, I'll just get a tan instead.


Quote: I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean. I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean. I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.


Quote: When I get a cold sore, I put Carmex on it, because Carmex is supposed to alleviate cold sores. I don't know if it does help, but it will make them more shiny and noticeable. It's like cold-sore-highlighter. Maybe they could come up with an arrow that heals cold sores. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of Mitch Hedberg quote; white text on black background

When I get a cold sore, I put Carmex on it, because Carmex is supposed to alleviate cold sores. I don't know if it does help, but it will make them more shiny and noticeable. It's like cold-sore-highlighter. Maybe they could come up with an arrow that heals cold sores.


Quote: People ask me for my autograph after a show. I'm not famous, I think they're messing with me. I think they're trying to make me late for something. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

People ask me for my autograph after a show. I'm not famous, I think they're messing with me. I think they're trying to make me late for something.


Quote: Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.


Quote: I travel with a boom box. When I get on a plane, I stuff the power cord for the boom box into the battery compartment. From an outsider's point of view, it looks like I've got it all wrong. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I travel with a boom box. When I get on a plane, I stuff the power cord for the boom box into the battery compartment. From an outsider's point of view, it looks like I've got it all wrong.


Quote: Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.


Quote: A snake bite emergency kit is a body bag. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

A snake bite emergency kit is a body bag.


Quote: My manager said, Don't use liquor as a crutch! I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

My manager said, Don't use liquor as a crutch! I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk.


Quote: Then let's print up some flyers! by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

Then let's print up some flyers!


Quote: Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupus... one of those two doesn't sound right. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupus... one of those two doesn't sound right.


Quote: A friend gave me a drug for attention deficit disorder, because he's afflicted, but I'm not. So what happened to me is I suddenly had an extra-long attention span. People would tell me a story, and it would end, and I'd get all mad. Come on, man, there has to be more to that story. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of Mitch Hedberg quote: A friend gave me a drug for attention deficit disorder, because he's afflicted, but I'm not. So what happened to me is I suddenly had an extra-long attention span. People would tell me a story, and it would end, and I'd get all mad. Come on, man, there has to be more to that story.- black text on quotes background

A friend gave me a drug for attention deficit disorder, because he's afflicted, but I'm not. So what happened to me is I suddenly had an extra-long attention span. People would tell me a story, and it would end, and I'd get all mad. Come on, man, there has to be more to that story.


Quote: When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light and I would hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light and I would hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.


Quote: I play the guitar. I taught myself how to play the guitar, which was a bad decision... because I didn't know how to play it, so I was a shitty teacher. I would never have went to me. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I play the guitar. I taught myself how to play the guitar, which was a bad decision... because I didn't know how to play it, so I was a shitty teacher. I would never have went to me.


Quote: I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. At ease was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of Mitch Hedberg quote: I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. At ease was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military.- black text on quotes background

I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. At ease was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military.


Quote: I've not really been angling to be a comedian. I knew comics and I loved them and I loved being funny, but I didn't understand the whole concept of becoming one. My first couple of times on stage, I was like, This is what I'm doing for sure. I was so excited. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I've not really been angling to be a comedian. I knew comics and I loved them and I loved being funny, but I didn't understand the whole concept of becoming one. My first couple of times on stage, I was like, This is what I'm doing for sure. I was so excited.


Quote: I don't think stand-up is being appreciated as much as it could be and I don't think it has for a long time. There's some great stand-up comics who come to a town and if they're not a name, they don't attract a crowd but in reality there are brilliant people out there. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of Mitch Hedberg quote; white text on black background

I don't think stand-up is being appreciated as much as it could be and I don't think it has for a long time. There's some great stand-up comics who come to a town and if they're not a name, they don't attract a crowd but in reality there are brilliant people out there.


Quote: I've never stayed at a bed and breakfast. If I did, I figure you would start to get hungry! Is that all you got around here? Well, maybe you can direct me to a chair lunch dinner. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I've never stayed at a bed and breakfast. If I did, I figure you would start to get hungry! Is that all you got around here? Well, maybe you can direct me to a chair lunch dinner.


Quote: I saw on HBO they were advertising a boxing match It's a fight to the finish. That's a good place to end. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I saw on HBO they were advertising a boxing match It's a fight to the finish. That's a good place to end.


Quote: I had the cab driver drive me here backwards, and the dude owed me $27.50. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I had the cab driver drive me here backwards, and the dude owed me $27.50.


Quote: I get the Reese's candy bar. You look at that, there's an apostrophe-s there. That means the candy bar is his. I didn't know that. Next time you're eating a Reese's candy bar, and a guy named Reese comes by and says, Gimme that, you better hand it over. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I get the Reese's candy bar. You look at that, there's an apostrophe-s there. That means the candy bar is his. I didn't know that. Next time you're eating a Reese's candy bar, and a guy named Reese comes by and says, Gimme that, you better hand it over.


Quote: The Kit Kat candy bar has the name Kit Kat imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That's a clever chocolate-saving technique. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

The Kit Kat candy bar has the name Kit Kat imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That's a clever chocolate-saving technique.


Quote: They could take sesame seeds off the market and I wouldn't even care. I can't imagine 5 years from now saying, Remember sesame seeds? What happened? All the buns are blank! by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

They could take sesame seeds off the market and I wouldn't even care. I can't imagine 5 years from now saying, Remember sesame seeds? What happened? All the buns are blank!


Quote: I would like it if four people did a cartwheel all at once... so I can make a cart. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I would like it if four people did a cartwheel all at once... so I can make a cart.


Quote: You know when you see an advertisement for a casino, and they have a picture of a guy winning money? That's false advertising, because that happens the least. That's like if you're advertising a hamburger, they could show a guy choking. This is what happened once. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

You know when you see an advertisement for a casino, and they have a picture of a guy winning money? That's false advertising, because that happens the least. That's like if you're advertising a hamburger, they could show a guy choking. This is what happened once.


Quote: I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, this is not a library! OK! I will talk louder, then! by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, this is not a library! OK! I will talk louder, then!






Quote: I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win.


Quote: When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn't get out, something is seriously wrong. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn't get out, something is seriously wrong.


Quote: I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses. Or two dumpsters. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses. Or two dumpsters.




Quote: What am I drinking? NyQuil on the rocks, for when you're feeling sick but sociable. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

What am I drinking? NyQuil on the rocks, for when you're feeling sick but sociable.


Quote: I got an ant farm; them fellas didn't grow sh*t. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I got an ant farm; them fellas didn't grow sh*t.

Longer Version/[Notes]:

I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow anything. Hey, how about some celery? Plus, if I tore your legs off, you would look like snowmen.


Quote: Comedy clubs have brick walls behind the performer. Bricks make you funny. When I'm in front of a fireplace, I'm hilarious. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

Comedy clubs have brick walls behind the performer. Bricks make you funny. When I'm in front of a fireplace, I'm hilarious.




Quote: I'm not into sports. I mean...I like Gatorade, but that's as far as it goes. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I'm not into sports. I mean...I like Gatorade, but that's as far as it goes.


Quote: When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.


Quote: One time I was forced to go to the doctors because of a sports accident. Herpes. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

One time I was forced to go to the doctors because of a sports accident. Herpes.


Quote: Imagine if the headless horseman had a headless horse. That would be chaos. I would think that if you were the headless horseman's horse, you would be very confused. I don't think this dude can see. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

Imagine if the headless horseman had a headless horse. That would be chaos. I would think that if you were the headless horseman's horse, you would be very confused. I don't think this dude can see.


Quote: No, I was just good at holding ice cream cones. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

No, I was just good at holding ice cream cones.


Quote: I thought I'd go to a craft fair, and there would be a jar of jellybeans there -- Guess how many jellybeans are in this jar, and win a prize. Aw, come on, man, let just me have some. I'll tell you what, guess how many jellybeans I want! If you guessed a handful, you are right. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of Mitch Hedberg quote; white text on black background

I thought I'd go to a craft fair, and there would be a jar of jellybeans there -- Guess how many jellybeans are in this jar, and win a prize. Aw, come on, man, let just me have some. I'll tell you what, guess how many jellybeans I want! If you guessed a handful, you are right.


Quote: I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, Do you know anybody who has AIDS? He says, No. I say, Cool, because you know me. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, Do you know anybody who has AIDS? He says, No. I say, Cool, because you know me.


Quote: A lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

A lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage.


Quote: My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light a bunch of koala bears scatter. But I don't want 'em to, you know, I'm like Hey, hold on, fellas. Let me hold one of you. And feed you a leaf. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of Mitch Hedberg quote; white text on black background

My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light a bunch of koala bears scatter. But I don't want 'em to, you know, I'm like Hey, hold on, fellas. Let me hold one of you. And feed you a leaf.


Quote: I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.


Quote: I like those blow-up beds. This becomes a full size bed in three minutes! Well, a mattress kicks your ass. Zero seconds. Yeah, but you can store this thing. You can store a bed, too -- in the bedroom. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I like those blow-up beds. This becomes a full size bed in three minutes! Well, a mattress kicks your ass. Zero seconds. Yeah, but you can store this thing. You can store a bed, too -- in the bedroom.


Quote: I'm a hard act to follow, because when I'm done, I take the microphone with me. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I'm a hard act to follow, because when I'm done, I take the microphone with me.


Quote: I played in a death-metal band. People either loved us or hated us. Or they thought we were OK. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I played in a death-metal band. People either loved us or hated us. Or they thought we were OK.


Quote: My girlfriend works at Hooters. In the kitchen. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

My girlfriend works at Hooters. In the kitchen.




Quote: I bought myself a parrot, but it did not say I'm hungry, and so it died. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I bought myself a parrot, but it did not say I'm hungry, and so it died.


Quote: This one commercial said, Forget everything you know about slipcovers. So I did, and it was a load off of my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slipcovers, but I didn't know what they were! by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

This one commercial said, Forget everything you know about slipcovers. So I did, and it was a load off of my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slipcovers, but I didn't know what they were!


Quote: I like baked potatoes. I don't have a microwave oven, and it takes forever to bake a potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I'll just throw one in there, even if I don't want one, because by the time it's done, who knows? by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I like baked potatoes. I don't have a microwave oven, and it takes forever to bake a potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I'll just throw one in there, even if I don't want one, because by the time it's done, who knows?


Quote: I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something picketing, but I don't know how to show it. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something picketing, but I don't know how to show it.


Quote: A dog came to my door, so I gave him a bone, the dog took the bone into the back yard and buried it. I'm going to go plant a tree there, with bones on it, then the dog will come back and say, Shoot! It worked! I must distribute these bones equally for I have a green paw! by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of Mitch Hedberg quote; white text on black background

A dog came to my door, so I gave him a bone, the dog took the bone into the back yard and buried it. I'm going to go plant a tree there, with bones on it, then the dog will come back and say, Shoot! It worked! I must distribute these bones equally for I have a green paw!


Quote: When you're doing a show on stage, and they show you a red light, that means you have 5 minutes left. At some clubs, they hold a candle up in the back. That's the worst method. You're up here, and then you see a floating candle. Oh, no! This place is haunted! I can't be funny when I'm frightened. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of Mitch Hedberg quote: When you're doing a show on stage, and they show you a red light, that means you have 5 minutes left. At some clubs, they hold a candle up in the back. That's the worst method. You're up here, and then you see a floating candle. Oh, no! This place is haunted! I can't be funny when I'm frightened.- black text on quotes background

When you're doing a show on stage, and they show you a red light, that means you have 5 minutes left. At some clubs, they hold a candle up in the back. That's the worst method. You're up here, and then you see a floating candle. Oh, no! This place is haunted! I can't be funny when I'm frightened.


Quote: People who smoke cigarettes, they say You don't know how hard it is to quit smoking. Yes I do. It's as hard as it is to start flossing. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

People who smoke cigarettes, they say You don't know how hard it is to quit smoking. Yes I do. It's as hard as it is to start flossing.


Quote: I like cinnamon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's why I wish they would sell cinnamon roll incense. After all I'd rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I like cinnamon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's why I wish they would sell cinnamon roll incense. After all I'd rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes.


Quote: I wrote a script, and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts, and he read it, and he liked it, but he said he thinks I ought to re-write it. I said, Fuck that -- I'll just make a copy! by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I wrote a script, and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts, and he read it, and he liked it, but he said he thinks I ought to re-write it. I said, Fuck that -- I'll just make a copy!




Quote: I was walking down the street with my friend and he said 'I hear music,' as though there's any other way to take it in. 'You're not special. That's how I receive it too... I tried to taste it, but it did not work'. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I was walking down the street with my friend and he said 'I hear music,' as though there's any other way to take it in. 'You're not special. That's how I receive it too... I tried to taste it, but it did not work'.


Quote: I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwiches? All-encompassingly. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwiches? All-encompassingly.


Quote: I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap.


Quote: You know crazy straws -- they go all over the place? These straws are sane. They never lost their mind. They say, we're going straight to the mouth. That guy who takes a while to get there? He's crazy. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

You know crazy straws -- they go all over the place? These straws are sane. They never lost their mind. They say, we're going straight to the mouth. That guy who takes a while to get there? He's crazy.


Quote: If you want to talk to me after the show, I'd be surprised. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

If you want to talk to me after the show, I'd be surprised.


Quote: Swiss Cheese is a rip-off It's the only cheese I can bite into and miss. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

Swiss Cheese is a rip-off It's the only cheese I can bite into and miss.


Quote: I used to drink wine. This girl asked me, Doesn't wine give you a headache? Yeah, eventually, but the first and the middle part are amazing! by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I used to drink wine. This girl asked me, Doesn't wine give you a headache? Yeah, eventually, but the first and the middle part are amazing!


Quote: I did a radio interview; the DJ's first question was Who are you? I had to think. Is this guy really deep, or did I drive to the wrong station? by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I did a radio interview; the DJ's first question was Who are you? I had to think. Is this guy really deep, or did I drive to the wrong station?


Quote: I hate arrows. They try to tell me which direction to go. It's like I ain't going that way, line with two thirds of a triangle on the end! by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I hate arrows. They try to tell me which direction to go. It's like I ain't going that way, line with two thirds of a triangle on the end!


Quote: I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it...and he's always on time. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it...and he's always on time.


Quote: I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real big. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real big.


Quote: I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.


Quote: I put fruit on top of my waffles, because I want something to brush off. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I put fruit on top of my waffles, because I want something to brush off.




Quote: I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say E, I'm screwed. But if the gas tank says E, I get all cocky -- I've got this one, don't worry. So I get out the toolbox AKA wallet. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say E, I'm screwed. But if the gas tank says E, I get all cocky -- I've got this one, don't worry. So I get out the toolbox AKA wallet.


Quote: I've got a wallet, it's orange. In case I wanna buy a deer. That doesn't make any sense at all. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I've got a wallet, it's orange. In case I wanna buy a deer. That doesn't make any sense at all.


Quote: If I'm out to dinner with a group of friends, and somebody offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for my wallet. Inside is a note that says, Say thanks! by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

If I'm out to dinner with a group of friends, and somebody offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for my wallet. Inside is a note that says, Say thanks!


Quote: I wrote my friend a letter using a highlighting pen. But he could not read it, he thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I wrote my friend a letter using a highlighting pen. But he could not read it, he thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper.


Quote: If you drink O'Douls, you don't drink; but if you drink 20 O'Douls in a half hour, then you're a non-alcoholic. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

If you drink O'Douls, you don't drink; but if you drink 20 O'Douls in a half hour, then you're a non-alcoholic.


Quote: My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. Come on, four billion! Darn! Seven. Not even close. I need more dice. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. Come on, four billion! Darn! Seven. Not even close. I need more dice.


Quote: I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company. They said, Screw it. Cut 'em up! by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company. They said, Screw it. Cut 'em up!


Quote: They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. I tried to make it at home. There's more to it than that. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. I tried to make it at home. There's more to it than that.


Quote: I'm an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I'm an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube.


Quote: I have some speakers up here, thank God, because last night I didn't have them and I was telling jokes and I had no idea which joke I was telling. So I told jokes twice. I even told that one twice. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I have some speakers up here, thank God, because last night I didn't have them and I was telling jokes and I had no idea which joke I was telling. So I told jokes twice. I even told that one twice.


Quote: At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said Certainly. He said Do I need to dial 9 I say Yeah. Especially if it's in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said Certainly. He said Do I need to dial 9 I say Yeah. Especially if it's in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick.


Quote: I don't have any children, but if I had a baby, I would have to name it, so I would get a baby-naming book. Or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I don't have any children, but if I had a baby, I would have to name it, so I would get a baby-naming book. Or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on.


Quote: Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars! by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!


Quote: My girlfriend is named Lynn. She spells her name Lynn. My old girlfriend's name is Lyn, too, but she spells it Lyn. Every now and then I screw up, I call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend's name, and she can tell because I don't say n as long. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

My girlfriend is named Lynn. She spells her name Lynn. My old girlfriend's name is Lyn, too, but she spells it Lyn. Every now and then I screw up, I call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend's name, and she can tell because I don't say n as long.


Quote: One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.


Quote: I like wearing necklaces, because it lets me know when I'm upside down. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I like wearing necklaces, because it lets me know when I'm upside down.


Quote: I don't have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks stuff. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I don't have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks stuff.


Quote: As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have to end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can't be like pancakes. You're all happy at first, but then by the end, you're sick of 'em. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have to end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can't be like pancakes. You're all happy at first, but then by the end, you're sick of 'em.


Quote: I can't eat spaghetti. There's too many of them. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I can't eat spaghetti. There's too many of them.


Quote: I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records. Nothing was alphabetized! by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records. Nothing was alphabetized!




Quote: I like it when you buy something and pay with a credit card, they put your credit card on the receipt, but only the last four numbers. Aha! I'm really good at guessing twelve numbers. I can't guess 16 numbers, so thanks for the assistance! by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I like it when you buy something and pay with a credit card, they put your credit card on the receipt, but only the last four numbers. Aha! I'm really good at guessing twelve numbers. I can't guess 16 numbers, so thanks for the assistance!


Quote: Onions make me sad, a lot of people don't realize that. When I'm cutting onions, I'm sad. Because the plight of onions, it's sad. But people don't realize I'm actually crying -- they think I'm just reacting. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

Onions make me sad, a lot of people don't realize that. When I'm cutting onions, I'm sad. Because the plight of onions, it's sad. But people don't realize I'm actually crying -- they think I'm just reacting.


Quote: My roommate says, I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom? It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

My roommate says, I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom? It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.


Quote: Foosball screwed up my perception of soccer. I though you had to kick the ball and then spin around and around. I can't do a back flip, much less several simultaneously with two other guys. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

Foosball screwed up my perception of soccer. I though you had to kick the ball and then spin around and around. I can't do a back flip, much less several simultaneously with two other guys.


Quote: I have a roommate, and I signed a year lease. I screwed up! That's like I wrote a joke that didn't work, but now I have to tell it for a year. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I have a roommate, and I signed a year lease. I screwed up! That's like I wrote a joke that didn't work, but now I have to tell it for a year.


Quote: I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil, and the devil is dill. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil, and the devil is dill.


Quote: I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential.


Quote: I would not want to be a mobile home repo man. Those would be hard to sneak away -- Knock knock -- Hi, would you go cut your grass and look that way for a half an hour? by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I would not want to be a mobile home repo man. Those would be hard to sneak away -- Knock knock -- Hi, would you go cut your grass and look that way for a half an hour?


Quote: I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.


Quote: I got two stools, in case I want to sit down and sit down again on something else. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I got two stools, in case I want to sit down and sit down again on something else.


Quote: I had a box of Ritz crackers, and on the back of the box, they had all these suggestions for what to put on top of the Ritz. Try it with cheese. Try it with peanut butter. Come on, man, they're crackers, that's why I got them. I like crackers! I didn't buy them because they're little edible plates! by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of Mitch Hedberg quote: I had a box of Ritz crackers, and on the back of the box, they had all these suggestions for what to put on top of the Ritz. Try it with cheese. Try it with peanut butter. Come on, man, they're crackers, that's why I got them. I like crackers! I didn't buy them because they're little edible plates!- black text on quotes background

I had a box of Ritz crackers, and on the back of the box, they had all these suggestions for what to put on top of the Ritz. Try it with cheese. Try it with peanut butter. Come on, man, they're crackers, that's why I got them. I like crackers! I didn't buy them because they're little edible plates!


Quote: I've always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist. That's not a full joke there! It's filler. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I've always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist. That's not a full joke there! It's filler.


Quote: I had a Velcro wallet in a casino. That sound annoyed the hell out of me. Whenever I lost money, and I opened the wallet, it was like the sound of my addiction. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I had a Velcro wallet in a casino. That sound annoyed the hell out of me. Whenever I lost money, and I opened the wallet, it was like the sound of my addiction.


Quote: If I was a locksmith, I'd be pimping that out man. I'll trade you a free key duplication for. That joke made me laugh before I could finish it, which is good, because it had no ending. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

If I was a locksmith, I'd be pimping that out man. I'll trade you a free key duplication for. That joke made me laugh before I could finish it, which is good, because it had no ending.


Quote: I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, Hey, do you mind if I join you? Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, Hey, do you mind if I join you? Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.




Quote: The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.


Quote: Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.




Quote: I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.


Quote: This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.


Quote: Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?


Quote: I met this girl, she was an actress, and she gave me her number. It started with 555. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I met this girl, she was an actress, and she gave me her number. It started with 555.


Quote: I know people who believe in ghosts but don't believe in themselves. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I know people who believe in ghosts but don't believe in themselves.

Longer Version/[Notes]:

I know people who believe in ghosts but don't believe in themselves. It's kind of sad. Okay you don't think you'll ever make it as a musician, but last night you saw a translucent caveman.


Quote: I miss the $2 bill, 'cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe, $2? Oh yeah. What do you need, a one and another one? by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I miss the $2 bill, 'cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe, $2? Oh yeah. What do you need, a one and another one?


Quote: If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, Hey -- maybe a killer is after you! by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, Hey -- maybe a killer is after you!


Quote: I'm into carpooling, because sometimes my car gets hot and needs to refresh itself. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I'm into carpooling, because sometimes my car gets hot and needs to refresh itself.


Quote: A friend said to me, I think the weather is trippy. I said, No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it's the way we perceive it. And then I realized I just should have said, Yeah. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

A friend said to me, I think the weather is trippy. I said, No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it's the way we perceive it. And then I realized I just should have said, Yeah.


Quote: I went to a cigar store, the man behind the counter asked me, What kind of cigars do you like? I answered, It's a Boys. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I went to a cigar store, the man behind the counter asked me, What kind of cigars do you like? I answered, It's a Boys.


Quote: Have you ever tried sugar or PCP? by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?


Quote: A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.


Quote: Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience.


Quote: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run, he's fuzzy, get out of here. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run, he's fuzzy, get out of here.


Quote: I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add er. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add er.


Quote: Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.


Quote: I went to the store and bought eight apples; the clerk said, Do you want these in a bag? I said, Oh, no, man, I juggle. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I went to the store and bought eight apples; the clerk said, Do you want these in a bag? I said, Oh, no, man, I juggle.


Quote: I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Some one needs to tell the turkey, 'man, just be yourself.' by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Some one needs to tell the turkey, 'man, just be yourself.'


Quote: Mitch's Pizzaria... this week's coupon: unlimited free pizza. Special Note: coupon not good at any of the Mitch's Pizza locations. Free pizza oven with purchase of a small Coke. Two-for Tuesday: buy one pizza, get one franchise free. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

Mitch's Pizzaria... this week's coupon: unlimited free pizza. Special Note: coupon not good at any of the Mitch's Pizza locations. Free pizza oven with purchase of a small Coke. Two-for Tuesday: buy one pizza, get one franchise free.


Quote: Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament! by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!


Quote: Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2000 of something. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2000 of something.


Quote: I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.


Quote: I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.


Quote: Dogs are forever in the push up postion. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.


Quote: When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.


Quote: I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.

Longer Version/[Notes]:

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist.


Quote: I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.


Quote: Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.


Quote: A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.


Quote: If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.


Quote: Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.


Quote: I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.


Quote: I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.


Quote: All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.


Quote: I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.


Quote: I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.


Quote: My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero? by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?


Quote: I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.


Quote: If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.


Quote: A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.


Quote: I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.


Quote: I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.


Quote: I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.


Quote: Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus? by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?


Quote: I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.


Quote: I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.


Quote: Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.


Quote: You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.


Quote: It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.


Quote: I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it. by author Mitch Hedberg overlaid on photo of photo of author Mitch Hedberg with quote

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.


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