Quotes by Lemony Snicket

You can see that it is better not to make too many assumptions, particularly in the morning.

Making assumptions simply means believing things are a certain way with little or no evidence that shows you are correct, and you can see at once how this can lead to terrible trouble.

Oftentimes, when people are miserable, they will want to make other people miserable, too. But it never helps.

Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby: awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess.

The sky was dark blue twilight, pretty to look at but lonely to walk under.

You know that a good, long session of weeping can often make you feel better, even if your circumstances have not changed one bit.

Complimenting someone in an exaggerated way is known as flattery, and flattery will generally get you anything you want.

But I must admit I miss you quite terribly. The world is too quiet without you nearby.

There is a pair of snakes who have learned to drive a car so recklessly that they would run you over in the street and never stop to apologize.

Perhaps I should just bury myself and become a diamond after thousands of years of intense pressure.

After you leave home, you may find yourself feeling homesick, even if you have a new home that has nicer wallpaper and a more efficient dishwasher than the home in which you grew up.

The world is very quiet without you around.

If you have ever lost someone very important to you, then you already know how it feels, and if you haven't, you cannot possibly imagine it.

Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant, filled with odd waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don't always like.

It's a good plan, Mr. Snicket.

Oh sure, I said, like juggling dynamite, or kicking a polar bear.

Nothing firms up a friendship like a good-natured argument.

Like many people who dress in black, the lump of coal was interested in becoming an artist.

Appearance matters a great deal because you can often tell a lot about people by looking at how they present themselves.

Some people think destiny is something you cannot escape, such as death or a curdled cheesecake, both of which always turn up sooner or later.

Some of the bravest and most resourceful people in the world have come to bad ends.

Arguing with somebody is never pleasant, but sometimes it is useful and necessary to do so.

In an emergency, one often learns that one's companions can be of even less help in extraordinary circumstances than they are during an average evening.

The end of THE END is the best place to begin THE END, because if you read THE END from the beginning of the beginning of THE END to the end of the end of THE END, you will arrive at the end.

Waiting is one of life's hardships.

Telling an adult to go see something for themselves always works. They never take your word for it. They always, always, have to go see, and Hungry was no different.

Grammar is the greatest joy in life, don't you find?

Hungry licked her spoon and then pointed it at me. 'Aren't you forgetting the dishes?' she asked.

'Absolutely not,' I said. 'I'll remember the dishes as long as I live. See you later, Hungry.

I went into the bathroom to brush my teeth. It is good to brush your teeth when you are angry, because you brush harder and do a better job.

People don't always get what they deserve in this world.

The book did not say anything about a statue, valuable or otherwise, and so I stopped reading about the Bombinating Beast and got interested in the chapter about the Stain'd witches, who had ink instead of blood in their veins. I wondered what they kept in their pens.

Even though there are no ways of knowing for sure, there are ways of knowing for pretty sure.

Theodora glared at me, but Mrs. Murphy Sallis gave me a brief smile and offered me her hand, which was as smooth and soft as old lettuce.

You don't spend your life hanging around books without learning a thing or two.

It doesn't matter if you never see someone again, I told myself. There are millions of people in the world, and most of them never see each other in the first place.

I will love you as a thief loves a gallery and as a crow loves a murder, as a cloud loves bats and as a range loves braes. I will love you as misfortune loves orphans, as fire loves innocence, and as justice loves to sit and watch while everything goes wrong.

Sooner or later, everyone's story has an unfortunate event or two -- a schism or a death, a fire or a mutiny, the loss of a home or the destruction of a tea set.

It is not always the job of people shouting outside impressive buildings to solve problems. It is often the job of the people inside, who have paper, pens, desks, and an impressive view.

Being noble enough is all we can ask for in this world.

I refuse to argue with you, Charles! You're my partner! Your job is to iron my shirts and cook my omelettes, not boss me around!

Nobody can teach you how to like something. You can like it, or you can pretend to like it, in order to make someone happy.

There are people like this wherever you go. They are part of the same mystery as you are, but you can't quite tell how you fit together. The world is a puzzle, and we cannot solve it alone.

You would do well to be less particular. With a library it is easier to hope for serendipity than to look for a precise answer.

I'm not a stranger, I said, and pointed to his book. I'm someone who reads the same authors you do.

There is no easy way to train an apprentice. My two tools are example and nagging.

Don't you see?' he asked. 'I'm not just the island's facilitator. I'm the island's parent. I keep this library far away from the people under my care, so that they will never be disturbed by the world's terrible secrets.

Just because something is traditional is no reason to do it, of course.

Just because something is traditional is no reason to do it, of course. Piracy, for example, is a tradition that has been carried on for hundreds of years, but that doesn't mean we should all attack ships and steal their gold.

It is so rare in this world to meet a trustworthy person who truly wants to help you, and finding such a person can make you feel warm and safe.

Sunny held Kit, and Violet held Klaus, and for a minute the four castaways did nothing but weep, letting their tears run down their faces and into the sea, which some have said is nothing but a library of all tears in history.

But like so many unfortunate events in life, just because you don't understand it doesn't mean it isn't so.

She was stronger than Stew Mitchum, or maybe she just wanted something more than he did.

I don't know why wicked places generally look wicked. You'd think they'd look nice, to fool people, but they hardly ever do.

It is very difficult to make one's way in this world without being wicked at one time or another, when the world's way is so wicked to being with.

He couldn't help but think that nearly anything could be used as a weapon, if one was in a weaponry mood.

In the meantime, it is best to grab what wonderful moments you find lying around.

The moral of World War I is 'Never assassinate Archduke Ferdinand.

The map is not the territory, Snicket's chaperon advises him. That's an expression which means the world does not match the picture in our heads.

Imagining the worst doesn't keep it from happening.

For Beatrice -- you will always be in my mind, in my heart and in your grave.

If writers wrote as carelessly as some people talk, then adhasdh asdglaseuytbnpasdlgkhasdfasdf.

Hungry people should be fed. It takes some people a long time to figure this out.

Ellington Feint was a line in my mind running right down the middle of my life, separating the formal training of my childhood and the territory of the rest of my days. She was an axis, and at that moment and for many moments afterward, my entire world revolved around her.

Polly Partial handed me a piece of paper printed on all sides with confusing times and locations. It looked like a herd of numbers having a square dance. I would rather have reread her book To Kill a Mockingbird than Stain'd-by-the-Sea's confusing train schedule, but just barely.

How clever of you to figure that out,' said a voice at the top of the stairs, and Violet, and Klaus were so surprised they almost dropped the lamp. It was Stephano, or, if you prefer, it was Count Olaf. It was the bad guy.

Count Olaf was so obsessed with getting his filthy hands on the money that he hatched a devious plan that gives me nightmares to this day.

I'll tell you why I'm Shirley, Count Olaf said. I'm Shirley because I would like to be called Shirley, and it is impolite not to do so.

Violet stayed still as a statue. She hadn't been listening to the last speech of Count Olaf's, knowing it would be full of the usual self-congratulatory nonsense and despicable insults.

Count Olaf had taken out a bottle of wine to pour himself some breakfast, but when he saw the book he stopped, and sat down.

If you were going to give a gold medal to Count Olaf, you would have to lock it up someplace before the awarding ceremony, because Count Olaf was such a greedy and evil man that he would try to steal it beforehand.

You should have given up a long time ago, orphans. I triumphed the moment you lost your family.

We didn't lose our family. Only our parents.

It is, as you know, very, very rude and usually unnecessary to use profanity.

The right hand doesn't know what the left is doing is a phrase that refers to times when people ought to know, but don't know, about something that is happening very close to them. For instance, you ought to know about the man who watches you when you sleep.

Although this table contains a great many elements, from the element oxygen, which is found in the air, to the element aluminum, which is found in cans of soda, the table if elements does not contain one of the most powerful elements that make up our world, and that is the element if surprise.

We represent the true human condition, the one permanent victory over cruelty and chaos... Our true home is the imagination, and our kingdom is the wide-open world.

If you have ever lost someone very important to you, then you already know how it feels; and if you haven't, you cannot possibly imagine it.

It was impossible to tame, like leeches.

Raisins are healthy, and they are inexpensive, and some people may even find them delicious. But they are rarely considered helpful.

If you ask one question, it will lead you to another, and another, and another. It's like peeling an onion.

But you can't read every story, and answer every question even if you'd like to.

What a schmuck!

An Overall Feeling of Doom that One Cannot Ever Escape no Matter What One Does.

I don't think people have made staples by hand since the fifteenth century.

I am so tired, I can hardly type these worfs.

So you're a real person! I always thought you were a legendary figure, like unicorns or Giuseppe Verdi.

To those who hadn't been around Violet long, nothing would have seemed unusual, but those who knew her well knew that when she tied her hair up in a ribbon to keep it out of her eyes, it meant that the gears and levers of her inventing brain were whirring at top speed.

But you can't invent things like time,' Violet said. 'You can invent things like automatic popcorn poppers. You can invent things like steam-powered window waster. But you can't invent more time.

If you don't like peas,it is probably because you have not had them fresh.It is the difference between reading a great book and reading the summary on the back.

Anyone who thinks the pen is mightier than the sword has not been stabbed with both.

Money is like a child--rarely unaccompanied. When it disappears, look to those who were supposed to be keeping an eye on it while you were at the grocery store. You might also look for someone who has a lot of extra children sitting around, with long, suspicious explanations for how they got there.

I didn't realize this was a sad occasion.

All his life, Klaus had believed that if you read enough books, you could solve any problem, but now he wasn't so sure.

There's nothing wrong with athletics, but they shouldn't get in the way of your schoolwork.

You could make anything boring, Mimi! You're like a magic wand of boring!
Well, you're like a magic wand of bad breath!
I get bad breath because I eat what you cook!

and the Baudelaire orphans climbed aboard, turning the tables of their lives and breaking their unfortunate cycle for the very first time.

I hate it too, Violet said, and Klaus looked at his older sister with relief. Sometimes, just saying that you hate something, and having someone agree with you, can make you feel better about a terrible situation.

Perhaps if we saw what was ahead of us, and glimpsed the follies, and misfortunes that would befall us later on, we would all stay in our mother's wombs, and then there would be nobody in the world but a great number of very fat, very irritated women.

What do your parents know, about surviving?

That night was a dark day. Of course, all nights are dark days, because night is simply a badly lit version of day, .

The expression 'Those who can't do, teach' is a curious one, because if you look at the world , you'll see that teachers aren't particularly worse at doing things than anyone else, so perhaps the expression might be better worded as 'nobody can do anything.

In any case, this is how all our stories begin, in darkness with our eyes closed, and all our stories end the same way, too, with all of us uttering some last words--or perhaps someone else's--before slipping back into darkness as our series of unfortunate events comes to an end.

They were almond cookies, although they could have been made of spinach and shoes for all I cared. I ate eleven of them, right in a row. It is rude to take the last cookie.

A rug feels like a lion, but that doesn't mean you can ride it.

You would run much slower if you were dragging something behind you, like a knapsack or a sheriff.

Memento mori- remember you will die.

It is always tedious when someone tells you that if you don't stop crying, they will give you something to cry about, because if you are crying then you already have something to cry about, and so there is no reason for them to give you anything additional to cry about, thank you very much.

Unless you have been very, very lucky, you have undoubtedly experienced events in your life that have made you cry. So unless you have been very, very lucky, you know that a good, long session of weeping can often make you feel better, even if your circumstances have not changed one bit.

Tea should be as bitter as wormwod and as sharp as a two eged sword
Kit Snicket (a series of unfortunate events).

The key to good eavesdropping is not getting caught.

A new experience can be extremely pleasurable, or extremely irritating, or somewhere in between, and you never know until you try it out.

Nobody wants to fall into a safety net, because it means the structure in which they've been living is in a state of collapse and they have no choice but to tumble downwards. However, it beats the alternative.

Reader: Dear Mr. Snicket, What is the best way to keep a secret? Lemony Snicket : Tell it to everyone you know, but pretend you are kidding.

A library is like an island in the middle of a vast sea of ignorance, particularly if the library is very tall and the surrounding area has been flooded.

Celebrate when you're half done,
And the finish won't be half as fun.

Boredom is not black licorice, Snicket, she said. There's no reason to share it with me.

There are some people who believe that home is where one hangs one's hat, but these people tend to live in closets and on little pegs.

With a library it is easier to hope for serendipity than to look for a precise answer.

It is easy to decide on what is wrong to wear to a party, such as deep-sea diving equipment or a pair of large pillows, but deciding what is right is much trickier.

Being curious is the most important part of being a journalist. It might be the most important part of being anything.

One of the world's most popular entertainments is a deck of cards, which contains thirteen each of four suits, highlighted by kings, queens and jacks, who are possibly the queen's younger, more attractive boyfriends.

I'm reminded of a book my father used to read me, she said. A bunch of elves and things get into a huge war over a piece of jewelry that everybody wants but nobody can wear.

But there are times in this harum-scarum world when figuring out the right thing to do is quite simple, but doing the right thing is simply impossible.

It is a sad truth in life that when someone has lost a loved one, friends sometimes avoid the person, just when the presence of friends is most needed.

Everybody will die, but very few people want to be reminded of that fact.

For the rest of the morning they worked quietly ad steadily, realizing that their contentment here at Uncle Monty's house did not erase their parents' death, not at all, but at least it made them feel better after feeling so sad, for so long.

It is useless for me to describe to you how terrible Violet, Klaus, and even Sunny felt in the time that followed. If you have ever lost someone very important to you, then you already know how it feels, and if you haven't, you cannot possibly imagine it.

Strange as it may seem, I still hope for the best, even though the best, like an interesting piece of mail, so rarely arrives, and even when it does it can be lost so easily.

To hear the phrase our only hope always makes one anxious, because it means that if the only hope doesn't work, there is nothing left.

Read about things that wouldn't keep you up all night long, weeping and tearing out your hair.

No matter who you are, no matter where you live, and no matter how many people are chasing you, what you don't read is often as important as what you do read.

Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby- awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess.

Do the scary thing first and get scared later.

Is it useful to feel fear, because it prepares you for nasty events, or is it useless, because nasty events will occur whether you are frightened or not?

There are two kinds of fears: rational and irrational- or in simpler terms, fears that make sense and fears that don't.

I am heartbroken, but I have been heartbroken before, and this might be the best for which I can hope.

People aren't either wicked or noble. They're like chef's salads, with good things and bad things chopped and mixed together in a vinaigrette of confusion and conflict.

For Beatrice, when we first met,
I was lonely, and you were pretty.
Now I am pretty lonely.

Are you ready? Klaus asked finally.
No, Sunny answered.
Me neither, Violet said, but if we wait until we're ready we'll be waiting for the rest of our lives, Let's go.

At times the world may seem an unfriendly and sinister place, but believe that there is much more good in it than bad. All you have to do is look hard enough. and what might seem to be a series of unfortunate events may in fact be the first steps of a journey.

Just because you don't understand it doesn't mean it isn't so.

There are times to stay put, and what you want will come to you, and there are times to go out into the world and find such a thing for yourself.

It is difficult, when faced with a situation you cannot control, to admit you can do nothing.

Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator.

It is terribly rude to tell people that their troubles are boring.

The way sadness works is one of the strange riddles of the world. If you are stricken with a great sadness, you may feel as if you have been set aflame, not only because of the enormous pain but also because your sadness may spread over your life, like smoke from an enormous fire.

Brothers that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.

Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.

Those unable to catalog the past are doomed to repeat it.

The sea is nothing but a library of all the tears in history.

Morning is an important time of day, because how you spend your morning can often tell you what kind of day you are going to have.