Quotes by Bill Hicks
Welcome to our collection of quotes by Bill Hicks. We hope you enjoy pondering them and please share widely.
Wikipedia Summary for Bill Hicks
William Melvin Hicks (December 16, 1961 – February 26, 1994) was an American stand-up comedian, social critic, satirist, and musician. His material—encompassing a wide range of social issues including religion, politics, and philosophy—was controversial and often steeped in dark comedy.
At the age of 16, while still in high school, Hicks began performing at the Comedy Workshop in Houston, Texas. During the 1980s, he toured the U.S. extensively and made a number of high-profile television appearances, but it was in the UK that he amassed a significant fan base, filling large venues during his 1991 tour. He also achieved some recognition as a guitarist and songwriter.
Hicks died of pancreatic cancer on February 26, 1994, at the age of 32. In subsequent years, his work gained significant acclaim in creative circles—particularly after a series of posthumous album releases—and he developed a substantial cult following. In 2007, he was No. 6 on Channel 4's list of the "100 Greatest Stand-Up Comics", and rose to No. 4 on the 2010 list. In 2017, Rolling Stone magazine ranked him No. 13 on its list of the 50 best stand-up comics of all time.
I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, My dad can beat up your dad. I'd say Yeah? When?
There are essentially two drugs that Western civilization tolerates: caffeine from Monday to Friday yo energize you enough to make you a productive member of society, and alcohol from Friday to Monday to keep you too stupid to figure out the prison you are living in.
Why is marijuana against the law? It grows naturally upon our planet. Doesn't the idea of making nature against the law seem to you a bit unnatural?
Why is marijuana against the law? It grows naturally upon our planet. Doesn't the idea of making nature against the law seem to you a bit ... unnatural?
England, where no one has guns; fourteen deaths. United States -- and I think you know how we feel about guns; whoo! I'm getting' a stiffy -- 23,000 deaths from handguns. But there's no connection, and you'd be a fool and a communist to make one.
What before seemed a...frustrating wall, the comic deftly and fearlessly steps through, proving the absurdity of it all.
I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your f-kin' mouth.
I loved when Bush came out and said, 'We are losing the war against drugs.'
You know what that implies? There's a war being fought, and the people on drugs are winning it.
They lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. Lie! When you're high, you can do everything you normally do just as well -- you just realize that it's not worth the fucking effort. There is a difference.
Is it impossible to imagine Americans sneaking into Mexico en masse, seeking regular employment and a better way of life?
We really are All One....this is the very philosophy that has kept me virtually anonymous in America for fifteen years.
Why do we put people who are on drugs in jail? They're sick, they're not criminals. Sick people don't get healed in prison. You see? It makes no sense.
While I've found many of the religious shows I've viewed over the years not to be to my liking, or in line with my own beliefs, I've never considered it my place to exert any greater type of censorship than changing the channel, or better yet -- turning off the TV completely.
I believe that the Bible is the literal word of God. And I say no, it's not, Dad. Well, I believe that it is. Well, you know, some people believe they're Napoleon. That's fine. Beliefs are neat. Cherish them, but don't share them like they're the truth.
Pornography is any act that has no artistic merit and causes sexual thoughts...Sounds like almost every commercial on TV to me.
They believe the bible is the exact word of God -- Then they change the bible! Pretty presumptuous, hu huh? I think what God meant to say.
You want a better world...? Legalize pot right now. ...end the deficit? Legalize pot right now...biggest cash crop in America.
And on the seventh day, god stepped back and said and said, This is my creation, perfect in every way... oh, dammit I left all this pot all over the place. Now they'll think I want them to smoke it... Now I have to create Republicans.
The puppet on the right shares my beliefs, the puppet on the left is more to my liking. Hey...there's one guy holding up both!
You watch the news these days? It's unbelievable. You think you just walk out your door, you're immediately gonna be raped by some crack-addicted, AIDS-infected pitbull.
The war on drugs to me is absolutely phoney, its so obviously phoney, ok? It's a war against our civil rights, that's all it is. They're using it to make us afraid to go out at night, afraid of each other, so that we lock ourselves in our homes and they get suspending our rights one by one.
We are losing the 'War on Drugs,' which means there's a war going on and people on drugs are winning it.
I'll tell you how to solve this abortion thing...Those unwanted babies...? Leave about 12 of them on the Supreme Court steps.
When you're...stepping over a guy on the sidewalk...does it ever occur to you to think, 'Wow. Maybe our system doesn't work?'
People often ask me where I stand politically. It's not that I disagree with Bush's economic policy or his foreign policy, it's that I believe he was a child of Satan sent here to destroy the planet Earth. Little to the left.
It's not that I disagreed with Bush's economic policy... I believed he was a child of Satan here to destroy the planet.
BTW A 24 week old embryo is not a human being. You're not a human being until you're in my phone book.
I believe that God left certain drugs growing naturally upon our planet to help speed up and facilitate our evolution.
I believe that God left certain drugs growing naturally upon our planet to help speed up and facilitate our evolution. OK, not the most popular idea ever expressed. Either that or you're all real high and agreeing with me in the only way you can right now. (Starts blinking).
I find it ironic that people who are against things that cause sexual thoughts are generally fundamentalist Christians who also believe you should be fruitful and multiply.
See we just had a misunderstanding. I thought we lived in the U.S. of A., the United States of America. But actually we live in the U.S. of A., the United States of Advertising. Freedom of expression is guaranteed? If you've got the money!
How do I know the Bible isn't the word of God? Well if it was the word of God it would be clear and easy to understand...considering God was the creator of LANGUAGE!
Sometimes my dad even gets on this kick -- 'You hate this country'....I have to tell him...I just hate being lied to.
How come people always flip and think they're Jesus? Why not Buddha? Particularly in America, where more people resemble Buddha than Jesus. 'Ah'm BUDDHA!' 'You're Bubba!' 'Ah'm Buddha now..All I gotta do is change 3 letters on ma belt.
In Australia...they celebrate Easter the same...by telling our children a giant bunny rabbit...left chocolate eggs in the night.
I'm just trying to rid the world of all these fevered egos that are tainting our collective unconscious.
There is a 3rd point of view on the gun control issue -- those who I refer to as THE VICTIMS -- but they remain strangely silent.
Ever notice that people who believe in creationism look really unevolved? Eyes real close together, big furry hands and feet. I believe God created me in one day. Yeah, looks like he rushed it.
I was in Australia....Lotta leg room down under. Apartments: dollar a month. 2000-acre den....think of the parties.
Rock stars hawking Diet Cokes -- are demons set loose on the Earth to lower the standards for the perfect and holy children of God!
Well we looked at all the people in the Bible and we added 'em up all the way back to Adam and Eve, their ages: 12,000 years.
I'd...bet enthusiasm for 'ethnic cleansing' will wane if only sticks and rocks are available for the warring parties.
I love the Pope, I love seeing him in his Pope-Mobile, his three feet of bullet proof plexi-glass. That's faith in action folks! You know he's got God on his side.
The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love, instead, see all of us as one.
I've been on what I call my UFO Tour, which means, like UFOs, I too have been appearing in small southern towns in front of a handful of hillbillies lately.
All drugs should be legal. War is wrong. The rich get richer. The poor get poorer. Thank you. I'll be here all week.
England, where no one has guns: 14 deaths. United States...23,000 deaths from handguns. But -- there's no connection.
What strikes me as funny about Elvis is that all the impersonators choose to do the Vegas Elvis; not the young, cool guy, always the bloated fool.
I wish I could meet a Christian who would proselytize to me, but they keep running away from me. I wanna talk to you all.
All day long you see those commercials: 'Here's Your Brain, Just Say No'...and the next commercial is: 'This Bud's For You.'
I saw...a kid on a leash. You seen these people? Kid on a leash? How horrible. Put him in the pound where he belongs.
Oh my God. Lift me up out of this illusion, Lord. Heal my perception that I might know only reality and only you.
I just have one of those faces. People come up to me and say, 'What's wrong?' Nothing. 'Well, it takes more energy to frown than it does to smile.' Yeah, you know it takes more energy to point that out than it does to leave me alone?
Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one.
Shut up! Go back to bed, America. Your government is in control. Here's Love Connection. Watch this and get fat and stupid.
I...am an evolved being who deals solely with the source of light...in all of us in our own minds. No middleman required.
What did moths bump into before the electric light bulb was invented? Boy, the lightbulb really screwed the moth up didn't it? Are there moths on their way to the sun now going, It's gonna be worth it!
Oh -- won't we party hard when L.A. goes kersplash?...L.A. fell in the ocean?... There is a God. He loves us all so much.
Dinosaur fossils were placed in rocks by prankster God just to make human beings think the world is older than it is.
I've had good times on drugs...bad times on drugs...But I've had good and bad relationships...and I'm not giving up pussy.
That's why I always recommend a psychedelic experience because it makes you realize that all you've learned is in fact just learned and not necessarily the truth.
It's really weird how your life changes. Tonight I'm drinking water. Four years ago? Opium. Night and day, you know?
They proved that if you quit smoking, it will prolong your life. What they haven't proved is that a prolonged life is a good thing. I haven't seen the stats on that yet.
It is hard to quit smoking. Every one of them looks real good to me right about now. Every cigarette looks like it was made by God, rolled by Jesus and moistened shut with Claudia Schiffer's pussy.
You ever noticed how people who believe in Creationism look really un-evolved? You ever noticed that? Eyes real close together, eyebrow ridges, big furry hands and feet. I believe God created me in one day. Yeah, looks like He rushed it.
Rock stars against drugs -- that's what we want, isn't it? Government-approved rock-n-roll? Woo! We're partying now!
Are gun rights advocates arguing that roving gangs...shooting innocent bystanders constitutes a 'well-regulated militia'?
We're supposed to keep evolving. Evolution did not end with us growing opposable thumbs. You do know that, right?
I loved when Bush came out and said, 'We are losing the war against drugs.' You know what that implies? There's a war being fought, and the people on drugs are winning it.
I ascribe to Mark Twain's theory that the last person who should be President is the one who wants it the most. The one who should be picked is the one who should be dragged kicking and screaming into the White House.
People are bringing SHOTGUNS to UFO sightings...brings a whole new meaning to that phrase 'You ain't from around here, ar'ya?'
She was a southern girl, which is the same as saying she was insane. All southern women are insane. Some are cold blooded killers and some are harmless eccentrics, but the best of the breed exhibit both of these characteristics and always the one you expect the least at the time you least expect it.
Pot is a better drug than alcohol. I'll prove it to you. You're at a ball game or a concert, and someone's really violent and agressive and obnoxious, are they drunk or are they smoking pot?
It's you people dying from nothing that are screwed. I got all sorts of neat gadgets waiting for me...oxygen tent, iron lung.
Love rather than fear...this radical philosophy is coming from me, an avowed misanthrope...surely there is hope for us all.
Courtroom for Ted Bundy's trial is packed with women, trying to meet him and give him love letters and wedding-fucking-proposals...and the first thought that enters my mind is, And I'm not getting laid. What am I doing wrong?
I was in a cab in New York. The cab had a sign, Please do not smoke, Christ is our unseen guest. This guy was reaching. I figure, if he could overcome being nailed to a cross, I don't
think a Marlboro Light's gonna faze him that much.
I love talking about Kennedy assassination...a great archetypal example of how totalitarian government...sorry, wrong meeting.
But where did this veneration of childbirth come from? I missed that meeting. Childbirth is wonderful, childbirth is a miracle. Wrong. It's no more a miracle than eating food and a turd coming out your ass.
I believe we all have the Voice of Reason inside us...to gently lead us out of our own self-created hells.
The Voice of Reason is in us all...and everyone can recognize it because it makes sense and everyone benefits from it equally.
The world's like a ride in a fairground and when you choose to go on it you think it's real, that's how powerful our minds are.
I do not believe making money in order to consume goods is
mankind's sole purpose on this planet. If you're wondering
what I believe our purpose on this planet is, I'll give you
a hint... it has to do with creating and sharing.
What kind of people are these with such low self-esteem that they need a war to feel better about themselves?
I began working quite young, writing, growing, maturing, always striving to top myself -- to make people laugh hard at things they know and believe deep in their hearts to be true.
If ur going to have a war on drugs, have them against ALL drugs, including alcohol, the number one offender.
How many of y'all wondered, like I did, during the LA riots when those people were being pulled out of their trucks and beaten half to death -- step on the f***ing gas, man! They're on foot, you're in a truck -- I think I see a way out of this.
Why is marijuana against the law? It grows naturally on our planet, serves a thousand different functions, all of them positive. To make marijuana against the law is like saying that God made a mistake.
I believe it is our own misperceptions of who we really are that leads to every self-created hell you'll find in this world.
How about a positive LSD story? Wouldn't that be news-worthy, just the once? To base your decision on information rather than scare tactics and superstition and lies? I think it would be news-worthy.
Smoking may cause fetal injury or premature birth. ... I found my brand. Just don't get the ones that say, Lung Cancer.
You think when Jesus comes back, he really wants to see a cross? That's like going up to Jackie Onassis with a rifle pendant on.
I love talking about the Kennedy assassination. The reason I do is because I'm fascinated by it. I'm fascinated that our government could lie to us so blatantly, so obviously for so long, and we do absolutely nothing about it.
Surgeon General's warning ought to read: Smoking has been determined t0 cause cancer, heart disease and rednecks with seniority.
On the theft of his material by Denis Leary: I have a scoop for you. I stole his act. I camouflaged it with punchlines, and to really throw people off, I did it before he did.
Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. Here's Tom with the Weather.
I, like all artists in Western cultures, am a shaman...come in the guise of a comic...to heal perception by using...'jokes'.
Mister, I don't want no trouble. I just came downtown here to get some hard rock candy for my kids, some gingham for my wife. I don't even know what gingham is, but she goes through about ten rolls a week of that stuff. I ain't looking for no trouble, Mister.
I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, 'My dad can beat up your dad.' I'd say 'Yeah? When?'
Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. Heres Tom with the Weather.
Let me tell you about gays in the military. I don't want any gay people hanging around me while I'm killing kids. I just don't want to see it.
Here is my final point. About drugs, about alcohol, about pornography and smoking and everything else. What business is it of yours what I do, read, buy, see, say, think, who I fuck, what I take into my body -- as long as I do not harm another human being on this planet?
Truly, the only stupid people I've ever met, the most absolutely clueless, are the very people that produce television.
I used to drink, I did, I had to quit. Man, I was an embarrassing drunk. I'd get pulled over by the cops, I'd be so drunk I'd be out dancing to their lights thinking I'd made it to another club.
I used to love to call L.A. when I lived in New York... Is that the Big One I hear in the background? Bye, you lizard scum! Bye!
We killed 6 innocent people, launching 22, I think $3 million apiece missiles on Baghdad...that's a little bit overdoing it.
I was just down in Dallas, Texas...the Assassination Museum...it's really accurate, you know, 'cause Oswald's not in it.
The CIA has a plot...they've used before to get rid of world leaders. Only problem...is convincing Hussein...to fly to Dallas.
I'm very tired of staring out into your vacant faces looking back at me. Wanting to fill your empty lives with humor you couldn't possibly think of yourself... Good evening!
Writing, acting, music, comedy. A deep love of literature and books. Thank God for all the artists who've helped me.
I saw a sign on the side of the road in Tennessee once that said 'dirt for sale'... what a great country we live in. DIRT for sale. How would you like to get inside that guy's mind and look around for a hour? That guy sees opportunity at every glance, doesn't he?
People are bringing shotguns to UFO sightings in Fife, Alabama. I asked a guy, Why do you bring a gun to a UFO sighting? Guy said, Way-ul, we didn' wanna be ab-duc-ted. If I lived in Fife, Alabama, I would be on my hands and knees every night praying for abduction.
That's starting to depress me about UFOs. The fact that they cross galaxies...and always end up in places like Fyfe, Alabama.
I was a weekend drinker...I'd start on Saturday, end on Friday...thought I was controlling it...but I don't drink any more.
The whole image is that eternal suffering awaits anyone who questions God's infinite love. That's the message we're brought up with, isn't it? Believe or die! Thank you, forgiving Lord, for all those options.
People in the United Kingdom and outside the United States share my bemusement with the United States that America doesn't share with itself.
I'm sorry if any of you are Catholic. I'm not sorry if you're offended, I'm actually just sorry by the fact that you're Catholic.
And if I can take part in it by transforming my own consciousness, then someone else's, I'm happy to do it.
The best kind of comedy to me is when you make people laugh at things they've never laughed at, and also take a light into the darkened corners of people's minds, exposing them to the light.
The American dream is a crock. Stop wanting everything. Everyone should wear jeans and have three T-shirts, eat rice and beans.
I left in love, in laughter, and in truth, and wherever truth, love and laughter abide, I am there in spirit.
People in the U.K. share my bemusement with the United States that America doesn't share with itself. They have a sense of irony, which America doesn't have, seeing as it's being run by fundamentalists who take things literally.
